Written by Cheryl Bowie, Director and Executive Coach, Mind Coach and Alumna 2007 of The NZ Leadership Programme
I’ve never denied being a Brené Brown fan girl. So, when the opportunity came up to see her in person recently in Melbourne (presented by The Growth Faculty), I was all in – with an early bird VIP ticket no less, which guaranteed that I would actually get to meet her.
I feel Brené’s work is important to the world and even more so at a time in history where we are more disconnected and polarised than ever before. The role of shame as our master emotion sees us armour up, hiding behind our doubts and insecurities, rather than opening our hearts to be vulnerable and human. As a coach I find this deeply fascinating and quite confronting all at the same time, as I am no more exempt than those I coach!
I first came across Brené in 2012 when I read her book Rising Strong. As someone who has always wrestled with whether and when to raise the “unspeakables”, her work completely resonated. It gave me some comfort (and courage) that leaning into tricky conversations and being open and transparent about your feelings, were not only healthy practices but, if handled well, built higher levels of trust and connection. This was a far cry from my very English upbringing where you learn very quickly not to speak up, and to sweep uncomfortable issues under the rug. So, I’ve been hooked on her work ever since. And now, as a leadership coach and facilitator, I’ve delighted in seeing her work come into the world of work where it might possibly have the biggest impact.
It would have been easy for me to rock up to the event thinking I didn’t have much new stuff to learn, but she didn’t let me down. I found myself writing loads of notes, capturing new quotes, getting caught up in the laughing, dancing and singing (yes, she did make us do that, aka vulnerability in action) as well as her wonderful story telling and relatable sense of humour.
In the spirit of paying it forward, I want to share a few of the gems that I walked away with:
Having the conversation on diversity and inclusion means you will absolutely get your arse kicked (her way of saying “getting it wrong and ending up face down in the arena”), but choosing not to have the conversation, is the very definition of privilege. Wow – still reflecting on this one!
Attend to the fears and feelings of the people you work with or don’t lead. You will simply spend a lot of unproductive time in dealing with the behaviours driven out of those fears and feelings.
The most vulnerable among us set boundaries and can articulate what is ok and not ok. This links to my favourite quotes of “clear is kind, unclear is unkind” and choosing “courage over comfort”.
If you are feeling comfortable then you are not being brave.
The biggest shame trigger at work is the fear of irrelevance. And yet our armour and self-protection leads to our irrelevance.
Daring leaders are never silent about the hard stuff.
Those with higher self-worth will reach the limit for disengagement much sooner.
You are in charge of the energy you bring into a room or interaction.
Don’t build a culture where people are ashamed to ask for help.
Don’t make up stories and act on them without checking them out first. Because our brains are ‘meaning making machines’ designed to protect us or our ego, our stories tend to be more fiction than fact.
Resist action bias and learn to just sit with the problem long enough. Our avoidance of sitting in problem identification links to our need to control.
Maybe all this “fan girling” is just a bit too much for your taste and maybe you think I’ve got rather carried away. And believe me, I’ve reflected on what others might think and say. However, what I’m learning is that even though writing and publishing this makes me feel slightly uncomfortable and vulnerable, I know that I’m choosing courage over comfort, so that I can share what I love and what I know to be true for me. #vulnerabilityinaction #courageovercomfort